MAY 1, 2004
~ VOLUME 1 ~ ISSUE 3
branflakes@anopenwindow.net
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WHO WANTS TO
BE GAY ANYWAY? With
Gay Pride celebrations scheduled just around the corner, I have a question
for you who are gay or bisexual. If you could do it ALL over again, and
given a choice regarding your sexuality, which would you choice?
Gay or straight.I recognize that the Gay community has made tremendous strides in its movement, but on a personal level, I have to question its affect on my personal life. Clouds of questions blind me and hypothetical realities plague my mind. I believe my life would have been easier had I "chosen" to be straight. I wouldn't have had to break the news to my parents that their son loves to get it up the ass. I could have gotten married and had children. I would have been fully accepted at churches and businesses across the nation, without any fear of retribution. Yes, being straight would have been easier. I don't think many people debate that fact. On the flip side though, with an easier life, people tend to take for granted all that is afforded to them. Because we, as a sexual minority, have to struggle in so many areas to achieve what we rightly deserve, we are likely to cherish all we have -- fully. The ultimate result: We become better people. Sure, I could be bouncing a son on my knee right now, or I could be holding my wife's hand in a mall someplace (experiences I will never have), but I am happy with what I am and the person I have become. I am proud to be me. |
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AS SEEN IN... PORN The Adult
Entertainment industry is a multi-million dollar business, and it's growing by
leaps and bounds every year. In this new millennium, their products are no
longer confined to sleazy backwoods buildings across the county line. All one
needs is a phone line and a computer to access quality jack-off material. And
since the introduction of the internet, this industry has set the standard in
creating new methods by which to enjoy their product, which has spilled into the
rest of cyberspace. Live streaming video sites, AVS managed porn galleries, and
one-on-one chat rooms (perfect for anonymous cybersex) have popped up along the
information super-highway and cluttered it with exposed breasts and hard cocks
just waiting to be touched and licked and fucked. |
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CHARLOTTE GAY PRIDE 2004
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LOOKING FORWARD
GOALS FOR 2004: |
FULL CIRCLE April 28, 2003 I am scared. Can you believe it? Can you ingest the feelings that I am experiencing right now? My heart is racing and hands are perspiring. The future is now unclear, and Brandon is scared. I have this sick feeling in the depths of my stomach that loneliness is approaching and I am unable to block it from entering my fake happy life. I am tired. Once I knew what I wanted in a relationship, but then I discovered the truth – what I want and I need are two separate things. But as I sit here pondering the difference, I rebel at the fact that I cannot have what I want as well as what I need. I want love. I need love. However, love is overrated and underestimated as I place it in one simple heart shaped package. My weary soul refuses to wear its mask any more. It wants to live free and experience the world anew. It wants to take responsibility for its actions and inactions. It wants to make a difference, rather than just exist. I am broken. The black cursor flickers on the white background as I reflect on my past, question my present, and ponder my future. Why can I not be within a relationship where truth is the norm and feelings are shared open and freely? I live a constant lie. I walk the fine line between self-loathing and self-adoration, and I am torn. Will I always resist the urge to allow others to fall in love with me? And will I always question that person’s devotion and motivation when that experience does occur? I am unable to take another step down my path with someone whose heart is not in sync with mine. I am alone. Four years ago I awoke in the dead of night sweating profusely. My clock radio cast a shadow of my body onto the nearby wall and a horrifying thought surged upon me. I was going to die alone. That fear arrested my being and I quickly launched a crusade to meet and fall in love with someone. Soon after I met someone and “fell in love.” Three boyfriends later, and with new life experiences learned, I am again facing a wall displaying only one shadow. I am confused. I wish I knew where I needed to go in life. In the meantime, I am floundering in my mire of self-doubt and guilt. I dissect my decisions until I get frustrated and overwhelmed. Subsequently, through my exhaustion, I toss everything up in the air, and run as it lands haphazardly on the mushy ground below. I am questioning. What will happen to me in the coming days, weeks, or months? How will my life change? How will I break it to someone I love that I am not happy in the current situation, and that I want out? How will I cope with being single, and alone? How will I be able to face the world again and apply the lessons I have learned? Will I change? Will I stay the same? Will I find someone and fall in love? I am scared. |
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are
a few things I have discovered in my exhibitionist and voyeuristic journey. For
one, posting naked pics of a shitty looking body can actually increase
self-image. Once I posted pictures to a site, only to discover over 50
emails in my inbox the next day exalting how erotic body was. This was a great
boost to the ego. But as you know, when you climb a mountain, you can (and
probably will) fall. In this case, the emails started dwindling in number, or
newer, fresher faces took attention away from my day-old bread. The ego boost
was lost, and plummeted into depression. Since then, I have learned not to rely
on others' viewpoints (either good or bad) when judging myself. especially when
it comes to my body.
